To the kids that don’t think my son is good enough

I’m sure you didn’t mean anything mean by it. I’m sure you were just bored, and decided to go home, where you can run and act like kids. I get that, I do, BUT, when you leave a child sitting in his yard, without saying a word to him, simply because he is different, and maybe can’t keep up with you, and tries to get you to do things that he CAN do, it makes me angry.

Anger is a secondhand emotion. I get angry because you hurt my baby, and that hurts me. See, I know why I feel the way I feel, so it’s all good, I’m still sane, and in control. Now, when you have done this repeatedly, and I have run out of excuses that will take the hurt out of my baby’s eyes, you’ve gone beyond making me angry. You’ve pissed me off, and you really don’t want that. You see, I don’t raise ┬ámy children to treat others poorly. Sure, they do things sometimes, and I talk to them, ask them how they’d like it if the roles were reversed, and try to help them figure out how to fix their gaffe. That’s learning, and growing. I also teach them to defend each other, and themselves, and while people say sticks and stones, my children know that isn’t true.

Words and actions hurt far worse, with longer lasting effects, than a punch or kick ever will. You see, with every look you’ve given my son, every time you’ve ignored him, or told him an idea of his is stupid, or that something he has is not cool, or whatever, you have told him that he is LESS. He is less human, less worthy, less fun, less normal, just LESS. For a child who already has so many issues with socializing, and trying to be normal, when his brain and body weren’t made to fit into the box that society has deemed acceptable, these messages slowly break down his every sense of dignity and esteem that he feels. No matter how hard I try to lift him up, praise him, tell him how amazing he is, I am his mom, and we all know that moms all think their kids are amazing, and awesome, right?

He wants, no needs, the verification that he’s good enough from other kids, so for you to treat him like less than a dog, no matter how unintentionally you may have done it, it’s not okay. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? How much would you like having a body that struggles to do the most basic things, like walking, or running, or standing back up, not to mention all the other issues muscular dystrophy has blessed him with? How would you like having a brain that makes the things others say may no sense to you? For everyone’s words to jumble together, so that you can’t make sense of what is being said? How would you like being left behind when your brain and your body simply can’t keep up? How would you like it if the child being left behind were your baby in a few years? Not so much, right?

I’m sorry, I would love to give you another chance, but, you see, as I’ve explained, my son wears his heart on the outside, and you’ve already hurt it too many times for me to trust you with him again, so this is the end of the line for you. Sure, it sucks, but I won’t let the fact that there aren’t many kids in our neighborhood force me to allow you to hurt my children. I would much rather they keep the friends that they have, that treat them with respect and dignity, and see past the differences, than to allow one more tear to fall because of ignorance.

My hero, and his biggest defender

My hero, and his biggest defender

Sorry, I had to vent it this way, or else I might go confront some ignorant adults down the street, and figured there were plenty of people who have dealt with this themselves.

You don’t know me. At all.

Sometimes, no, lots of times, with Bipolar Disorder, when you are in the lows, you don’t care about anything. Literally. Your world can crumble around you, and you will barely notice, and not care enough to try to save it if you do.

When you’re in a high place, you’re on top of the world, and no one can tell you otherwise. Everything is sharper, more fun, intense, wonderful, horrible, everything.

In either case, you make decisions, say things, or do things that you probably wouldn’t in your right mind, and when you stabilize a bit, you may regret some of those things. Then again, sometimes, those impulsive decisions and words are exactly what you’ve needed for a long time, and are too repressed when you’re in that ‘normal’ mindset to say or do, simply because you don’t want to rock the boat, or hurt anyone any more than you have already by your emotional instability. You push down the things they say that hurt you when you need understanding, and how they put your actions down as being lazy or crazy until, one day, something that seems so small to them, is epic to you, and it’s the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back and you explode. I have made many mistakes in those moments, and the ones that truly matter to me, stick around, and wait it out. I know they love me, and, unfortunately, sometimes, I may be to comfortable in that love, and be a bit rougher on them. Again, thankfully, they love me and know that I am loyal, and fierce, and, just as intense as I can be over something I feel for myself, I am just as fierce, if not more so, in defending those that I love. It’s a trade-off, and, thankfully, over the years, these highs and lows are shorter, albeit no less intense, so are easier on relationships.

I am grateful that I have reached an acceptance of my condition, and a maturity in myself and life to be able to still handle those situations maturely, and with grace and dignity. If you choose to blow off what I say, that is on you. For me, I am a full blooded, hard-headed, obstinate child of my parents, both of families full of stubborn Irish, Native American, and German descent, and when I say something, I mean it. When you push me to that breaking point, you will be surprised how explosive I truly am, and not in a good way. Make excuses for me if you like, I don’t need them. I have never needed an excuse for me or my behavior, It is what it is. I have never needed another person to help me in any way. Yes, if you are there, and it helps, I will lean on you, but if you walk away, do you expect me to fall? No, lots of people have walked away when I could really use them, and it has only made me a stronger person. You and your pitiful words cannot and will not break me. I am almost sorry for you that you are weak enough to think that they would.